It snowed yesterday. You would have been so cold cause you were the skinniest thing I’ve ever seen. I shiver on my apartment patio while I write this. It is the early morning hours after Christmas and we missed all the celebrations, you and I.
Remember when you were a part of my family? Little girl seemed so young although it’s almost been two years now, the drugs you taught her how to use changed that. She keeps looking for you in the men that give her attention but she can’t find you.
I told her you were gone that day your mama found you. She could not tell your baby the news because… she had lost her own.
I didn’t know how to explain that I knew you had hung yourself with the garden hose from the attic stairs or that we were texting when the phone slipped through your fingers onto the floor as you died. I was not sure how to explain to Daddy’s Lil’ girl, that in your dying written words you blamed me. My money and freedom gave her a life she had never imagined. My children offered her the stable family relationships she had never known and that my love was what a mothers love should feel like but, you gotta understand, she already had the world, cause she had you, so she didn’t see her life quite like you did.
That night on April Fools when I tried to explain to you, it was not me that she wanted but you wouldn’t listen. She wanted you and her mother to love her more than your addictions but you just couldn’t hear it. The demons that writhed inside your tormented mind feeding off the copious amounts of drugs and alcohol you were consuming causing your deafness, I’m guessing.
I was but a flicker to your flame, never coming close to replacing you only… keeping the embers in her heart warm till your love was strong enough to stoke the fire. Too bad, you put the fire out and now the coals have turned black.
It’s ok, I told her straight, as you knew I would. She walked toward me and I took her hands. Speaking the words from my lips, I watched the rosy color drained from her face. Don’t worry though, I wrapped my arms around her before she fell to the ground but the unearthly moan that rose from within her… shook me when your actions could not. I held your baby girl tight for you as she begged me to tell her it was a joke; that I was kidding. I remember wishing I was.
She called me the other day and asked about the family then gathered her strength and spoke as if she would come by and visit although, I knew she would never come… In the moment it took me to draw a breath, her excuses, that attempt to disguise her need, tumbled into my ear and she was gone. You see she can’t let herself feel my love because to her, I am all that’s left of you.
I don’t blame her for being afraid after she saw the effects that your blows had on me. If you had physically beaten me within an inch of my life, the damage would have been far less. If emotions were bones only the random shards and splinters would have remained to suggest the distant echo of the woman I was. You left me shattered. You left me…
She still calls me on Father’s Day. I asked her why and she told me it was because for the short time she knew you I was a part of your sober life. And in some way, I am the only connection she has to you. So when it’s Fathers Day and she needs to break from her drug filled haze, she calls me so she can talk to her Daddy.
I think of you less and less now. I’ve learned how to let my feelings flow through me with out holding onto them so tightly that I drown. Although, I knew I could not keep on saving you from the deathly grip of your addiction, it was hard for me to accept that the “right” choice I made that night was in fact the right choice.
Your friends and family looked to me for Bella’s protection from the havoc of her mother at your funeral but their pleas were in vain. Her mother never signed those custody papers like you did.
I understand now why she wouldn’t – actually it was you who taught me. It’s hard to let go of someone you love even when you love to hate them. I loved our raw honest friendship but when you got lost inside me I needed learn how to hate you.
It’s getting to cold for me to sit out here so I gotta go in but I wanted to tell you, really quickly before I go…
I found you and I have let you go. You led me to a gateway, I could not open it on my own so you gave me a key, that upon entering allows me to feel my life as it should be, rich with emotions, heavy as they are light. It is because of the time we walked our paths together that continues to help me grow albeit together on a path we shall never be again.
From the deepest part of me,
Your kindred sister and friend,